The Rage We Don’t Talk About After Stillbirth: What It Is, How It Feels, and How to Release It Safely By Vallen Webb | The Pregnancy Loss and Motherhood Podcast

The Rage We Don’t Talk About After Stillbirth: What It Is, How It Feels, and How to Release It Safely

By Vallen Webb | The Pregnancy Loss and Motherhood Podcast

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Rage after stillbirth is something we rarely talk about—yet so many of us feel it, deeply and fiercely.

Not irritation.
Not quiet frustration masked as tears.
But rage—that wildfire in your chest that builds slowly or explodes without warning.

And if you've experienced stillbirth, you've likely felt it too—whether you’ve allowed yourself to name it or, like me, stuffed it down because it felt too scary, too shameful, or too much.

Today, I want to name it.

I want to share how it’s shown up in my own life, what I’ve learned as a trauma and grief educator, and offer real, safe ways to express this rage—because we were never meant to hold this alone.

What Is Rage?

Rage is a biological, natural, protective response to trauma. It’s not just emotional—it’s deeply physical. It’s your body screaming:

“This was not okay.”

It’s the body’s alarm system. Just like fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, rage is a part of our survival instinct.

It can feel like:

• A tight chest

• Shaky hands

• A clenched jaw

• Sudden, explosive crying

• The urge to scream, throw, or hit something

• Or needing to shut the world out completely

I’ve lived this. I am living this.

My Rage After Stillbirth

After the stillbirth of my daughter Evelyn at 40 weeks and 5 days, rage would sneak up on me when I least expected it. One moment I was trying to be “okay,” and the next, I was in my closet, door shut, pillow over my face—screaming. Punching the mattress. Hitting the wall.

It’s hard to admit that. I hold so much shame around this part of my story, even though I know it was OKAY. I know that it was how I processed my pain and rage that nobody knew about. It’s deeply vulnerable.
But it’s also the truth.

And the truth is: I didn’t have the tools back then. I didn’t know how to name what I was feeling. I only knew that my world had been shattered, and the pain was too big to carry quietly.

Why We Don’t Talk About Rage

Rage is uncomfortable—for us and for everyone around us. It doesn’t fit the “quiet grieving mother” narrative that society expects.

Women, especially mothers, have been told for generations to:

• Cry quietly

• Move on quickly

• Be nurturing, composed, and resilient

But what happens when your baby dies and your body still bleeds and your breasts still produce milk and your heart breaks and the world shrugs? Or worse, our story-- our pain is ignored. I don't know about you, but I have had people slowly just back out of my life... especially after Evelyn died. 

So..... rage happens.

And instead of support, we often get silence—or worse, shame.

What Triggers the Rage?

For me, it was moments like:

• Reading the stat that stillbirth is the #1 cause of death in children ages 0–14 in the U.S.

• Discovering that 1 in 4 stillbirths are preventable

• Knowing that 1 in 175 births end in stillbirth, and that mine may have been one of those preventable ones

• Begging for help and being sent home or having to argue with my midwife to get zoloft. 

• Feeling like no one listened and I couldn't find anyone talking about this locally or in a way that connected with me. 

• Watching other moms lose their babies too, over and over again

I thought: Why is no one doing anything about this? Why don't they care?

That fire—that grief turned outward—is rage.

Rage Doesn’t Make You a Bad Mom

If you hear nothing else, hear this:

You are allowed to be RAGE-FULL.
Rage-full at the system.
Rage-Full at your body.
Rage-Full at God.
Rage-Full at the unfairness of it all.

That rage doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you human.

You were never meant to experience this kind of loss.
You were never meant to grieve your child in silence.
You were never meant to carry this rage alone.

How Rage Can Help You Heal

Rage isn’t the enemy—it holds truth. When expressed safely, rage becomes:

• A release valve

• A path to reclaiming your voice

• A way to reconnect with your body

• A tool for loosening the grip of trauma

Suppressing it turns that energy inward—into depression, anxiety, illness, or disconnection.

But honoring it? That’s where healing begins.

Safe Ways to Express Rage

Here are trauma-informed tools to safely process rage in your grief journey:

1. Somatic Movement

• Shake your hands out vigorously

• Stomp your feet—hard

• Dance freely, like no one’s watching--cliche as fuck... I know, I know lol

• Twist your torso side to side and let your arms swing

• Rebound on a trampoline

• Just MOVE to move the energy through and out of your body

2. Vocal Release

• Scream into a pillow

• Scream in your car with the music blasting

• Hum low tones (this activates your vagus nerve)

• Moan, groan, or cry loudly—sound moves emotion

3. Rage Rituals

• Punch a pillow or mattress

• Use a tennis racket to hit a pillow

• Write a “rage letter” and tear it to shreds or burn it safely

• Yell out loud (even if you whisper-scream when kids are around)

4. Ground and Soothe

• Place one hand on your heart, the other on your belly

• Try box breathing (inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4)

• Say aloud: “I am safe. It’s okay to feel this. I am allowed to feel this.”

Express. Then calm. This is the cycle of healing.

You Are Not Alone

One of the most healing things that has ever happened to me was sitting in a room full of loss moms and hearing someone say:

“I’ve felt that too.”

Those words rewired something inside me.
Suddenly, I wasn’t broken. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t alone.

You aren’t either.

That’s why I do this work. Why I started The Pregnancy Loss and Motherhood Podcast. Why I built the Evelyn James Shop and our support spaces.
To tell you: rage is welcome here.

You are not too much. You are not hysterical. You are not a burden.
You are grieving. You are surviving. You are sacred.

Reflection: Where Does Rage Still Live in You?

Take a deep breath in...
And let it out.

Now ask yourself:

What part of my grief still holds rage?
How can I express that safely, without shame or judgment?

You deserve healing that holds all of you—including your anger.

If you want to share your story, DM me @vallenwebb.official 

If this post spoke to you, please share it with someone who needs it.
Together, we break the silence around stillbirth. Together, we heal and support others who need us.

Vallen